Finding a way...........

I've been struggling a bit at for the last few weeks with a few things, one being the same old same old mentality with my weight, how I look, self worth etc etc.

I don’t think I have ever really revealed the depths to a lot of my issues on my blog and nor will I now, just to say I have had a life long struggle with all things image, weight, confidence etc. Most of you have seen the ‘big’pics.

When I say life long I think I remember feeling ‘chunky’ from about 10 or 11, actually I think I was told that? Anyway so maybe 25 years now, seriously WTF!!

I do believe being in an industry that is image focused since I was 16 has not helped and maybe even contributed, being 100kg plus and down twice brings it own issues and also competing twice has screwed with my expectations of myself mentally plus also physically had an impact.

Anyway…..to now, having lost most of Freddy weight that I gained after his birth (yeah, I know, who does that, gains after they’ve had the baby) I was sitting 3 kgs above my pre preggy weight when I fell preg again with Baby No.4.

The pregnancy started well, I was exercising and eating well then the dreaded Morning Sickness and Fatigue that comes in early pregnancy hit me and unfortunately those two things along with looking after a 4 month old baby got the better of me (for those excuse police out there and saying ‘yeah excuses’ ‘Morning sickness and tiredness shouldn't stop you’ I say WTFEver! Nicely of course J) I could only just make it through the day let alone exercise and my eating tended towards what I could stomach and that was carby type snacky stuff more often than not.

So in that 6 week period, thank god it didn’t carry on longer, I gained a ‘few’ kilos, to say I was pissed was an understatement and my whole shitty mentality around food, weight returned, looking in the mirror would set me off.

Luckily I reined it in and had a period of eating well and have been back to clocking up the KM’s, powerwalking with my bubba.
To help me focus I returned to Calorie King and logging cals in and cals out, sticking to a adequate limit to maintain pregnancy and build a healthy bubba, calorie logging works for me and the excess started to drop little by little each week BUT there was something different about the logging thing this time.

I started to feel controlled, anal and restricted and just generally it brought a huge focus to food, it was all about how much this, eat this then, don’t eat this, bad choice, good choice blah blah…..which I can’t stand anymore, its like freakin comp prep all over and last time I checked theres a belly with a baby in and no way I’m wanting to step on stage.

So in my wisdom I thought ‘you are doing well Shar, making good healthy choices, exercising, so why don’t you just eat like this but not have the analytical side of it and stop logging’

So stop logging I did, but I did jot down what I was having at each meal so I could visually see what my day looked like, fruit, veg etc.

This worked for me for a bit………feeling when I was hungry, not eating to numbers, choosing good foods, I even stopped getting on the scales everyday (yep I said everyday!) then came a day when I was tired (normal when you have 3 kids plus other stuff to do right?), hormonal (normal when your pregnant right?) and just generally having I can’t stand myself day.
I was getting dressed and caught myself in the mirror, then come all the ‘habit thoughts’ that are so programmed in that I just have no control over them, they defeat me every time.

From there its not been a great place for me.
I have been basically making shitty food choices and generally abusing myself using food, beating myself up for heading in the same direction with this pregnancy as I did with my 1st two kids and gaining in excess of 30kg, beating myself up for not being ‘normal’ (although my husband assures me there is no ‘normal’), worrying about people judging me etc etc

Then comes the want to design a plan, calorie count and be ‘in control’ (or be controlled) follow a plan, go 100% or nothing, etc etc to try and fix what I'm seeing as a big disaster in the mirror, but again this is just habits I have formed over many years and I do know this isn’t the way for me anymore.

I have done some work on my thoughts and am aware that it has nothing to do with the food and has all to do with loving myself enough to respect and honour myself.

I have a lot to work through but my main aim is to come to the understanding that food really doesn’t have a lot to do with it, I have to be content and love myself enough that I don’t use food to abuse myself if the scale doesn’t tell me the right thing.

I also do not want to have to log every calorie everyday for the rest of my life or follow a plan to get to a place and stay there on the scales, its all well and good having something that works for you, a plan, a way you do things, following the latest diet etc but are you really able to follow that for the rest of your life to stay at the place you get to?

There are times when calorie counting, planning, having someone coach me will be of use to me, for example I may want to run a ½ marathon/marathon (always been a goal of mine, I LOVE running) and knowing that I am fuelling my body adequately would be an advantage………..I may want to compete again one day (almost 100% sure I wont but never say never) and then a plan/knowing the ins and outs is essential……
but to be
- a mum,
- to function well each day,
- to be a healthy role model,
- to be a size 10-12 and look good in my clothes not skeletal

do I need to be anal?
do I need to log everything?
do I need to deprive myself of a Chai latte (insert daily treat here)?
do I need to be thinking what the next meal is because I’m hungry?
do I need to say we can’t cook to my little girl because I cannot resist having a dip and how the FU%^ do you log that?

I crave getting to a place with my ‘weight’ and how I see myself in the mirror where I don’t over analyze and I just let it be.
I over think / analyse a lot and just need to keep it simple as posted by Alicia and Nicole last week.
Eat when hungry, stay active and do exercise because I love it and look after me and my true self.

I am overweight right now (for the stage of pregnancy I’m at) there is no excuse for gaining more than recommended in pregnancy, I do want to be healthy and fit, I do want to ‘look’ good and wear my fav clothes but I just need to work out the way of getting there this time (yeah again…yawn) that is doable without pain, suffering and restriction and that is maintainable long term, because at the end of the day if its not long term, I’ll be here again over and over, year after year and that is what I am not willing to do anymore.

Lets see what happens……………………..but one things for sure, I have more important things to focus my energy on and maybe if I do things will fall into place for themselves?
Thanks for listening xx