Mummy Guilt

Motherhood is amazing, no two days are the same.......hard for me the control freak, kids teach you something new everyday, they do something new everyday, When you think you got it all aorted you are thrown a curve ball, but the main thing I'm finding is that i feel guilty alot as a mum.

For example, Freddy has been quite poorly and I have taken that on board as my fault, as I write that I know it sounds stupid but still could it have been prevented? Did he get sick from going swimming in a cool pool? Did he pick it up from daycare? (probably! he goes one day a week but more than likely he will pick up all sorts) am I feeding him a good enough diet to help him stay strong? I could go on and on.

Another example......last night I was home alone with the two babies, Freddy got upset and was more than likely in a bit of pain, so I was trying to resettle him and Archie started crying, it was feed time.
I basically had to run between the two of them trying to make right for both, neither of whom understood why mummy kept running away into another room, my heart was wrenching for the other bub whom I wasnt with at that moment, I felt guilty.

When I was working And I couldn't attend some of the school events etc I felt guilty then.

Any mums out there, do you get the attack of the guilts for whatever reason?

Adapting to being mum of 4, new blog thanks and grateful in April

Hi all, so I was taking a break from blogging here but now Ive decided I have 2 blogs this one will as it says in the description more about my day to day mummy adventures and my other one, see right sidebar, is training / getting back into shape focused.

Firstly, Thanks to all those who e mailed me that wanted to read the other blog, its great to have your bloggy support :) Anyone else that wants to read, just e mail me at the address to the right.

So anyway, I'm slowly adapting to being a mum again, this time its very different for me in that theres not the big gap as is between the first 3 and Freddy and Archie are back to back.
It has been a tough week or so and Paul went back to work on Monday but actually since then I seem to have got into the swing of things and all is good so far.
Freddy is adapting well and has gone from not liking Archie crying and being a bit put out to giving him kisses and stroking gently, which is amazing for a just 1 year old that really doesn't understand what a new baby is. I must say I am glad the gap is no bigger as I wont get the jealousy or any of the behaviour changes that can sometimes come with that.

Archie is great, breastfeeding well and sleeping lots of course, he is back at birth weight already and is a very calm baby.

So with all the above said it is obvious what I'm grateful in April for, a healthy and happy family, a wonderful husband who is a wonderful dad.

Have a great day all.

If you want to read..........

.......My 'your not the boss of me' blog, Please let me know by e mail and ill invite You.

Before you decide, here's what will be going on in that blog.

- My journey in 2011 to regaining fitness to allow me to teach my fav group fitness classes, including my beloved Bodyattack.
- attempting to train for a 1/2 marathon
- other training / exercise related chat

For those not wanting to read or trying to remove themselves from 'dieting / weight loss ' maybe not for you because eventually it
will include (once I can ensure breastfeeding is established etc)
- 'weight loss' talk, numbers including exercise stats and maybe food stats,
- me dealing with / learning from whats going on in my head relating to the above areas

So if you wanna follow or be around to give feedback, in a constructive manner, then please drop me an e mail to sharleyinoz@yahoo.co.uk and when i get in there (within the week) I can send out an invite.

Hope your all having a great weekend

Introducing.................

Archie George

Baby boy arrived!

We are pleased to announce bubs arrived safe and sound Sunday 27th March at 3.32pm.
Another quick delivery and both bubs and I are doing great.
He weighed 3.2kg '/ 7lb 1oz, is feeding well and of course sleeping alot as newborns do.
He hasn't got a name yet but we are slowly getting there by process of elimination.
Pics to come :)

Wow, Im having a baby tomorrow!

Bubs hasn't made his appearance so for medical reasons I'm to be induced tomorrow!

Feels kinda weird to know its going to happen, but hey, it has allowed us to plan and prepare
And with no family here except my dad it has helped.

He will be arriving 1 week, 1 day, earlier than edd, funny as I always thought he'd be a March bub.

See ya when I'm a mum of 4!!!!!!

Having a break....

Due to a few reasons, which I am not going into, I have decided to take a break from my blogging for a bit, not sure how long but have to assess why I blog and more so why I read other blogs and what I get from them.

I might drop back in and announce new bubs arrival in the next few weeks but other than that I'll see ya when I see ya.

20 days or less and the happiest days of my life

So yep we are certainly getting to the pointy end now..........20 days to go (or less depending on the medical people) until I get to meet our new addition.

I can't explain what being pregnant, labouring and birthing means to me and I couldn't even try.

I have a scan today to check if my fluid levels have changed in anyway, obviously they are concerned with more, then I have an Ob appt tomorrow so will get a better idea of what way the end may go.

Anyway, linking into the most amazing event that I'm about to experience again, for the 4th time, I would say that the happiest (individual) days of my life that stand out so far have to be -

- Meeting and Marrying Paul

- Bryce's Birth

- Maddi's Birth

- Freddy's Birth

Obviously there are other happy days, daily happy moments etc but these for me are the 4 moments in my life so far that make me smile and feel warm and fuzzy.

What are yours?

Is there a day / event that stands out, that brings you that smile? you know the one that warms you deep inside.

Care to share....................

Thanks!!

So a big thanks to those that came and told me what they thought, so many valid points that stood out -

1) Michelle, Hilds - yep keeping up 2 blogs is not really doable especially as I want to become a bit more consistent in blogging so I can have a full record of my year of change :)

2) Shelley, Liz - I have come to the conclusion that yes I can write what I want and honesty is the best policy, so writing from the heart it is and as Shelley put it - if people don't want to read about a certain thing they can 'bugger off' :)

3) Nicole, Magda- public versus private - I hear whet your saying Magda but not having work colleagues or family (only my mum who knows me inside out anyway) reading makes it a little easier to stay public I think and Nicole, good point,yes I know I have to risk the 2 cents worth crew coming along but decided I'm a big girl now and should be able to ignore or deal with so public it stays, I also think its nicer for readers not to have to sign in all the time?

Barbera and Maryanne, thank you for your support and I would love to you continue to follow.

Ive got a feeling its going to be a bumpy ride this year, along with 4 kids, 2 under 13 months!! I have to deal with hormones post pregnancy, probable sleep deprivation, the huge desire to get my body back to a healthy state with not alot of time for exercise, 2 older kids to be mum too, be a wife and try somewhere in there to find me and time for me.
BUT 2011 will be my year and as stated in another post this blog will now be about, weight loss after 2 babies, fitness goals I have, finding a way back to doing what I love - teaching Bodyattack, alongside those things all the emotions, feelings and thoughts that go with it.

I will be using a phrase I learnt from my little girl a few years ago when she was 5/6 going on 21, I might even get the t-shirt :)
To my negative self....... negative thought patterns.............
'YOUR NOT THE BOSS OF ME' this year and onwards, I'm the boss, I make the choice.

Can't wait to share 2011 with you.

Come tell me what you think?

Ok, so 2011 is going to be my year.
I have lots of little goals I want to achieve both personally, in health and fitness and professionally.
All of these alongside being a mum for the 4th time.

I was going to start a new blog where I would blog about only health, fitness, weight loss goals and the whole journey about really trying to get my head right surrounding this.
Then keep my mumsie stuff, day to day stuff here on mum on a mission.

But I'm wondering, isn't what I'm embarking on this year my day to day stuff?
It will be what I do each day, how I cope with everything I'm planning etc that will be the journey.

I was tempted by the 'new blog' as I was going to make it private as I really want to let loose, be brutally honest, allow people to follow a
Real journey, can I do this on here, am I willing to let it out and not know who's reading?

So here I am, what to do -

A) Have 2 blogs and invite to the 2nd one.

B) keep it on here, go for it and be open to who may be reading

C) have 2 open blogs but it will allow me to keep it separate, not everyone want to hear about weight loss etc


so drop me a comment and let me know what you would prefer to read and how.

Part 2......

So here's PART 2, recap below and read on :)

...........So double check she did and indeed there are two things that needed attention and further checking.
1) I have borderline too much fluid, I have been told that better to have too much than not enough and that bubs is not affected by this but I haven’t been told what implications this has, I have done a few searches but will follow this one up on Wednesday.
2) I have a raised SD ratio, this is the Systolic/diastolic pressure from placenta to bubs (from how they have explained it to me) and I have a resistance of the flow between placenta to bubs, this is the more concerning one of the two so this will be monitored at a scan once a week from now on.

so from the above being found I then had to have the placenta checked and had to have an internal scan to do so.
The good news here is that the placenta has moved well away from the cervix so I can have the vaginal birth I want!!
I then find myself being referred up to the Maternal Fetal Assessment Unit (MFAU) for monitoring.
Sit on the monitor for an hour or so and its not the reactive trace they are after, they give me a sandwich and cold water and then bubs starts to play !! J
All good, sent home with a scan booked for a week and a half time along with monitoring.

Tuesday morning comes and after restless night up and down with ‘period pain’ and backache I do the morning stuff, school run etc and get back, pop Freddy down for his morning nap and go to the toilet only to find in bleeding!?
So I can’t get Paul, sit and stare at the wall for a bit, wonder what to do and decide given the circumstances – 34 weeks pregnant, a few probs discovered yesterday and bleeding not being normal unless maybe in going to go into labour, I decide to ring the hospital.
Of course, told to go in, Paul comes home and drops me to the hospital (its so hard this time, Paul cant be with me for most of the appts at the hospital now as children under 7 aren’t allowed to attend with you) to go to be checked.

They pop me on the monitor again, bubs is ok, but I'm contracting every 5 mins, I can only feel tightening's but the doctor assures me they class as contractions.
Cervix check – closed and high, good sign.
Bloods taken and scan done to check bubs is head down as I couldn’t remember from the scan the day before.

Just as I think I'm good to be told to go home and rest as Ive had no more bleeding, in come the doctor and tells me they will be admitting me as a small bleed can preceed a big bleed or labour and given I'm contracting and how fast Freddy came I am better to be at the hospital as bubs is classes as pre term.

Totally not prepared for that and then get all emotional cause I'm on my own, worried about bubs and cant not be at home I have 3 kids to look after!
Anyway so we don’t go into a part three, the contractions stopped that evening, the bleeding stopped and all was looking good.

But they kept me in until Thursday!! Still worried about the big bleed that may come and wanting me to rest.
They wanted me to continue to stay but I managed to strike a deal! J They agreed on Thursday morning that if I had a good reactive trace of bubs I could go home as long as I rest and go straight back if I got tightening's, bleeding or reduced movements.
There was no way I wanted to stay another night and wake up on Freddy’s first birthday in hospital!

So I am now on 2 x weekly ctg monitoring and 1 x week scans to check the placenta and fluid.
I went Sunday and got a good trace, so on Wednesday I have monitoring, scan then clinic.

I have lost my birth centre birth as you can’t have any risks which I do now, but having stayed in the ante Natal ward which is also the postnatal ward and will be the same middies I am feeling more positive about being in the main hospital.
I can have my vaginal birth, can still do it drug free and be discharge all being well from 6 hours after so really all that has changed are the location and middies……its all good as long as bubs is ok and we are looked after.

Paul did an amazing job whilst I was missing for 3 days and two nights! We had no planning, he had to pack a bag for me, pick up on Freddy’s routine (communicated via text) and he even did Maddi’s hair in a ponytail for school!!
I missed them all soooo much and as tough as it is being a mum and everything that comes with it, I wouldn’t change it, it’s the hardest job in the world but the most satisfying.

I am a little worried about the placenta but will know more after my appointments on Wednesday and I think worse case I will have to have more monitoring and maybe have him earlier than due date.

Part 3 to come!!

Routine Scan PART 1, New Bub Pic & Freddy Turns 1

So I have had an interesting week to say the least.

PART 1 - Monday started with the prospect of going for my scan and being told I could not deliver new bub vaginally due to my placenta still being low, which, as mentioned before is my worst scenario.

So we got there spot on 10.30am and the waiting room was full. We sat....... and sat......... and sat, an hour passed, a very uncomfortable hour, 8 months pregnant sat in a chair with people either side.....not good for the back.

Paul would need to leave at 12pm to get back to work for a 12.30pm client, so there I am willing people to be called (by this time I had worked out who was there prior to us therefore knew we still had 4 women to be seen before us) so that Paul could be in with me and not have to leave.
But as I watched the clock it was looking more and more unlikely and at 11.55 when there was still 2 to go in before us we decided for Paul to leave and head back to work.
So i sit there disappointed Paul won't get to see bubs, nor hear the news we were hoping for about the placenta.

Then unexpectedly I get called, like 4 mins after Paul had left!!! Knowing he had a little way back to the car and the hospital grounds are quite big, I hurriedly text him - 'going in, can you rush back?' whilst walking to scan room.
Anyway Paul had gotten to far so on with the scan.

The sonographers were great, apologies were given for running late (not their fault) and i explained about Paul and that he may come running back but it wasn't looking likely as he hadn't responded.
As soon as she put the screen on, I saw bubs profile and was in tears, I don't know about anyone else but the love just overwhelms you even seeing them on the screen, the lady said to me 'oh hunny, sorry your husband had to go, we'll get him a nice 'face shot', on went the 3d and she got the cute face shot I've posted here!! I can't stop looking at it.

They couldn't get to the placenta with a 'normal ' scan so decided to do other routine checks, bubs size, bubs position, fluid measurement, heart, S D ratio etc.
Whilst going through these there were two things that flagged up as not normal, I only knew this as one lady said to the other 'oh, that's a bit high, ill just double check that' so she proceeded to re-check it again and confirmed to her assistant that indeed yes it was no within normal range, then this happened again for something else and its at this point you really want a hand to squeeze yours and give you some reassurance, come back Paul!! ..........PART 2 to follow.

Yesterday was Freddy's 1st birthday!!!! He had a great day with a few pressies and lots of fuss throughout the day then the little family ( yep just us and my dad!) party in the evening with more pressies.
Of course he had a birthday cake, he hasn't had chocolate or cake before so it was interesting to watch him it his thin slice of cake, the progress of mess was also cute, here's the before, during and after pics of Freddy's first piece of cake!

Reaching for the first piece

Half way through

After

And all clean after bathtime

Happy Valentines Day, 49 days to go and the truth hurts.

Happy Valentines Day................

............ to my gorgeous hubby who is caring, loving, THE best dad, never judges me, never puts conditions on our relationship, is my best friend as well as the love of my life, who gives everything but expects nothing in return, I could go on and on......I am so blessed.

I love you

_____________________________________________

49 Days to go

So another week down and I have 49 days (7 weeks) to go.

I had my 33 Week appointment at the Family Birth Centre on Thursday and all is well. Strong regular heartbeat, BP all good and low as normal, bubs has turned head down so all good with him.

I just need to have my scan next Monday and fingers crossed my placenta has moved up away from my cervix so I can have a natural vaginal birth again and not a C-Section.

The truth hurts

I will be starting another blog relating to this, keeping it private for now and when I feel comfortable I will open up to those that want to read and follow my journey. I did have some not so good news from the Birth centre and that is my BMI has just touched the limit they put on their mums having so that they are able to birth there. I have until 38 weeks to reduce it slightly to bring it back in range.

I have no doubt that by getting my shit together and stopping the crap and extras I have been having that I will be able to do this sensibly and all will be well......BUT the truth hurts right?

I know this pregnancy hasn't been ideal, the weight gain has run away from me. I have no-one to blame but myself of course and will not make anymore excuses.

My journey to get to my 'ideal' (realistic ideal that is) weight and body shape will begin. Unfortunately it is in my quest to find 'balance' that things have gone pear shape (pardon the pun) for me, I will deal with 'balance' issue once I get there, I know what works, I know what to do, I have support and assistance so will be doing this my way.............now to actually do it!

I will be blogging about it all here but letting a few more of my innermost thoughts etc go in my new blog, so yes, this will become my 'weight loss' journey (again) so if you don't wanna read that kinda 'stuff', don't, if you wanna judge, go somewhere else, but it will be real and I guess it wont all be fun.

As I said last post, I'm going longer term, by December 1st I will be there, 2011 is mine, pics to prove it and this is it ONCE AND FOR ALL.

Have a great day xx

32 down, 8 to go, 2011 My Year?

Wow I'm 32 weeks pregnant today, only 8 to go and we all get to meet our little man, my bum belly is huge, people think I only have a few weeks to go, but bubs is on the right track, not big for dates.
Here's a pic -

My big boy is 15 tomorrow!! that scares me so much and makes me feel sooooooo old, 34 isn't old right??
Not long til Freddy's 1st birthday either, going too fast.

2011 My Year -
So my challenge to myself is coming together.............by 1st December, 1st day of summer, I will be a Slimmer Mumma for Summer :) Corney I know but you get the idea.

Ive been pregnant since May 2009 until April 2011, all except 4 months, in which time I had a newborn. So its time for me to make this year the year I get my mojo back and end it in style, feeling great, looking great and being great.

A long haul challenge, not 8 weeks, not 12 weeks, not even 6 months - 11 months to get real, meet lots of little mini goals -
- start jogging after bubs and complete a half marathon at the end of August,
- shift the excess baby weight I have gained this time
- shift plus some :)
- Return to Bodyattack first as a participant then as an instructor again, aiming for Spring roster that starts September
- be the best mum I can be to 4 children
- nourish my marriage to a simply amazing man

..............I'm sure there's more to come but you get the idea.

I'm going to record every single week here, no missing weeks or 'starting' again because they
weren't to my OLD all or nothing standards, I must admit, I am was tempted to just sit out the 8 weeks on my merry way and 'start' after I had had bubs, but the way my body is responding to the end stages of pregnancy at the moment I know I could easily have an extra 5-8kg to contend with if I don't bring a bit more regular exercise in again and choose to eat a little less and make better choices.

I few bits to organise and I'll be back with some more regular updates and find some way to log this on my blog.

Here's me and Baby Freddy, had to call him that as apparently he becomes a toddler from 12 months onwards..........as us mums know though, they are always or 'babies' :)

Nearly Feb???? and update

WTF???
Seriously I have no idea where the time goes. I used to think time passed by quickly when I had 2 kids but it is just speeding by since I had Freddy so I have no idea what will happen when this new bubba boy arrives shortly.

I have had moments of guilt associated with the fact that early on in this pregnancy I sometimes forgot I was pregnant and also this time the appointments have seemed a hassle to get to and get through, especially with bubs and kids to sort etc, luckily I have a great hubby and he has been to all of them with me, well apart from my 2 hour Glucose Tolerance Test as he was at home on Freddy duty :)

Freddy was 11 months yesterday, a few weeks and the big first birthday will be here, he's just too cute at the moment, dancing, speed crawling, standing (wobbling) like a drunk at the furniture, starting to speak proper words (yes he did do a full and proper MUMMY yesterday instead of mum-ma), communicating in cute ways like pointing at stuff or crawling to stuff.

He just adores his big brother and sister and the feeling is totally mutual, they just dote on him, it so gorgeous to see.

I am under no illusion that the new bub and Freddy being so close in age will be such hard work to start with but am so excited to see them grow up so close in age and have no doubt they will be best buddies.

It will be great to experience both having kids with a bigger age gap and also a very close age gap, we are blessed.

So other than the weeks speeding by I haven't really been up to much since we got back from the UK, speaking of which, was, apart from time with family of course a trip I am stating as a disappointment.

In short, apart from Paul, my lot were sick, I spent 3 days in bed and a few days each side of those feeling ill and then trying to get better for the flight home, then my family - my sisters kids, my nan, my step dad were all sick at different times which made things hard to co-ordinate so we didn't share different germs......ANYway, the days we did get together were of course great and I am missing my mum and step dad heaps and it doesn't seem to be getting easier.

I also had forgotten how it feels to be in a true British winter!!! I know Paul and I were feeling the shut away in a house feeling, it was too icy to walk in, to cold for Freddy to be out for any length of time and Maddi had heaps of energy to burn and nowhere to do it!!

I will never moan about an Aussie winter again that's for sure!!

In saying that I had a few pluses that came from the trip one of those being that although I would love to be closer to family (it is extremely lonely here with no family or support network) I do now feel I am 'home'.

This is the country I want to be in, the country I want to bring up my kids in and the country to build our base in................ for them and the generations to come. We are extrememly lucky to be here and Australia is an amazing country with amazing people.

I now have 9 weeks 4 days left til the ever awaited due date of bubs number 4 and as I said it has gone quickly.

I feel he will be on time maybe even a little early, given my due date the Family Birth Centre are working from is a week later than my dates date. If given the choice the midwives there take the later date so as you get the opportunity to birth there as if you are to be induced you can't birth there you have to go to the main hospital.

In saying that I had a low placenta at my 20 week ultrasound and have a 34 week scan to confirm where it is then. if it has cleared I can have my normal birth, if not I will have to have a C-Sec which in all honesty, in my opinion, is the worst thing that could happen. I have spoken with my friend Mr.Google and he reliably :) tells me 95% of those who have placenta low at 20 will be fine by 34 weeks and able to birth normally. So trying not to get worked up about it and will know in a few weeks.

In other news from Shar, I am struggling with a few areas at the moment and they are causing me or rather, I am allowing them to affect me more than needed and trying to figure a way to pick myself back up and just get on with it.

I have a very wise, calm, centered hubby who has for about the past 2 years been developing himself not only professionally but spiritually aswell and as usual he has wise words, writings for me to read and unconditional love, all of which are helping me, more than he knows.

I am working on loving me and trying to believe and see the good things others see in me, then and only then will I be able to move forward.

I'm also setting goals, both physical and emotional, that are long term, as the short term shite I have done over and over are not for me anymore, especially if I want changes to be permanent.

I am thinking I will set the end of 2011 as my re-assessment date and maybe start a diary style daily (if possible with 4 kids) blog post so I have the journey recorded and can share honestly the good and bad days............because there are days that aren't so great aren't there? and it would be kinda refreshing to read some real stuff not all the fluffy stuff that smells of roses.